I hope you like short things, because we are currently on the throes of our first official Family Vacation – human and dog family members alike – and it’s difficult to form many coherent thoughts while on the road. Well, it’s hard to do that in general, but particularly on the road.
Our dog Trixie is a hot mess of a traveler. Whiny, panty, and all up in my shoulder grill. Effing eff dog, makes me wish I’d given her some Benadryl or chloroform our something before we got in the car. On the upside, we are in our new hand-me-down (thanks in-laws!) space bean station wagon, which allows the dogs to have their own space. It also allows me to want to chloroform the dog less. But only a little.
I sat in the back and entertained the baby for the first leg of the journey, and was transported back to my pre-teen station wagon days of fighting with my sisters for space and the best snacks. Except this time instead of sisters, it was the dog. At one point my husband offered to switch places with me, but when I eagerly agreed he said, “oh, I didn’t think you’d really take me up on that…” which made me wish I had chloroform for him, too.
We tried many tactics to stop the pathetic beast from whining and panting and snotting all over me and the baby. But driving with the windows rolled down led to EXTREME snotting, and we were driving through some awfully smelly section of I-95 N, so at that point dealing with the smelly dog was the lesser evil when compared to the weird beet/dirt/fart air. Threatening to leave Trixie at every rest stop also didn’t work – she must have been whining too loudly to hear us… BUT THEN, my husband had the awesome (and effective) idea to throw Chex mix into the back section of the car, piece by piece, so she would have to go on a fun treasure hunt and leave me alone. It was awesome. Every time the pup came near me with her gross tongue, I’d throw another piece of Chex mix far, far away. Gently. I was definitely not pelting the dog with flavor-dusted projectiles. It was like Heaven in snack bag form.
It was finally awesome! Until we realized that the system was imperfect (it always is, isn’t it?) – in effect, I was training Trixie to come CLOSER to me every minute, so that she’d get food. By that point I was ready to just chloroform myself. But sanity (husband) prevailed, and instead of committing dogocide I climbed into the front seat. He’s a smart man, that husband of mine.
You’ll be glad to know we made it to our destination in one respective piece. The baby was happy, the doggies were full of snacks, and my husband and I were grateful to be out of the space bean-turned-stink bean. We’re in the City of Brotherly Love until Sunday – although it should be called Sisterly Love, since we’re visiting my awesome sister and her fam. All in all, I’m just super grateful that nobody else besides my husband (who is legally bound to me) and my baby (who is too small to recount) were present to witness my descent into immaturity. Tune in Monday, when I detail the adventures of adorable baby cousins in Philly and the horrible, horrible, daycare snot monster who followed us here…